


Nick Clegg: The Amazing Zombie-Busting Extraordinadaire

by Cleggymeiser



Category: Political RPF - UK 20th-21st c.
Genre: Zombie Apocalypse, Zombies, more zombies, zombies again
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-16 16:50:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11256960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cleggymeiser/pseuds/Cleggymeiser
Summary: Nick Clegg, the former Liberal Democrat leader, finds himself in the midst of the zombie apocalypse





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Amy and Jade](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Amy+and+Jade).



The zombie apocalypse officially started 69 days ago. It had shocked the entire world. Nobody knew the origin of the... thing that happened. Was it a disease? Was it a curse? Caused by a virus, drugs, or maybe even something more occult? Thing is, we don't know and I'm not going to clarify it because I want to get to the point and start telling my story. So, apocalypse, zombies, you got it. Good.

Nick Clegg looked out of the window onto the empty and trashed streets of Sheffield, he sighed, but in a cool way that made him look all sexy and tsundere too. Him and his group were hidden out in a small flat. See, he has to be in a group because that's how these zombie apocalypse stories work, people always stay in groups. Anyway so they had been hiding in this flat for the past 3 weeks and their supplies were dwindling. They had to do something, either they risked leaving or starved to death in this shitty little flat. And it was shit, the shower was so small that every time Nick tried to shower he would keep banging his elbows on the tiled walls. Said elbows were now black and blue from many, many bruisings.

"I say we vote," said Nick to the three others in his group. Now, let's take some time to introduce all the members of said group. First of all is Mike, a gourmet chef who used to work alongside Gordon Ramsay himself. He has no fighting skill whatsoever but he whips up a good meal so he's a valuable member of the group. Next is Sarah, she used to be an accountant and archery enthusiast. Her archery skills have come very much in handy during this zombie apocalypse. In fact, she could take down zombies with such skill and precision that she was almost as good as Nick. Almost. And last but not least is Dave, Sarah's husband. He's fucking useless and will probably die in the first few chapters.

"Vote on what? Dying or possible survival, there's no vote to be had!" said Sarah.

"But Sarah, baby, there's... things out there!" said Dave

"Call them what they are honey, don't be afraid of saying _that word_ "

"Walkers?" said Mike.

"Zombies." Nick stated, as he pulled out his chainsaw and revved it, "You're right Sarah, there's no need for a vote, we're going straight out,"

Then with that, Nick, Sarah and Mike left the flat.

"Guys, you can't be serious, they will _eat us_. Like, properly open their mouths and _chomp on our flesh_ ," called Dave, but there was no stopping them so he followed them, terrified. And rightly so, the zombie apocalypse is some scary business.


	2. Chapter 2

The street was empty and silent. All that could be heard was the footsteps of our four protagonists as they left the building. All the shop windows were smashed and the shops themselves were looted.

"It's so quiet..." whispered Mike.

"Too quiet..." said Nick as he donned a pair of shades, revved his chainsaw, and sawed in half a zombie who had come up behind them.

Then suddenly the shop displays came to life with the living dead, zombies came out and started to close in on them. Nick's chainsaw roared as he ran into the zombies which emerged from the Gregg's. Sarah unsheathed her katana and decapitated any zombie who dared get close to her dear Dave. One, two, three, four, fifty heads lost. It was carnage. Meanwhile Mike had his rolling pin at the ready and was smashing zombie faces in left right and centre. Speaking of centre, Nick was in a spot of bother outside the Gregg's, the zombies were overwhelming him with their numbers, but that's no problem for Nick Clegg: the amazing zombie-busting extraordinaire. He ran up to a large male zombie, kicked him in the head and while in the air did a backflip, sawed the heads of at least ten zombies with one swipe. Dave was in awe of his skills, so much in awe that he dropped his only weapon: a spoon. But, the spoon was picked up. Not by Dave though, by...

"An [Überzombie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%9Cberzombie)!" screamed Sarah.

"A what?" cried Dave.

Sarah pushed Dave out of the way and into Mike's arms to keep him safe. Mike blushed a little as he felt his friend's body collide with his. It was now on between Sarah and the Überzombie. She swung her katana at it but it blocked the blow with the spoon. They then went into an all out sword fight like from the middle ages, except with a katana and a spoon. They swung their weapons back and forth, the sound of metal clashing sounding over the moans of the other zombies. But then, Sarah made one step wrong and the Überzombie got in and stabbed her! But it was with a spoon so it did nothing and she decapitated the Überzombie. The street was now filled with thousands of zombies and Nick was nowhere to be seen.

"What will we do now?!" shouted Mike.

"I don't know! God, I hope Nick's okay..." cried Sarah as she continued to protect the two men from the ever-increasing amount of zombies.

Then they all heard a loud revving of engines and through the zombies plowed an... ice-cream van! With Nick as the driver!

"Get in guys!" he cried out of the window. So they all mounted the van and Nick rode off into the sunset and out of Sheffield.


	3. Chapter 3

They drove on in the ice-cream van for hours, eating all the ice-cream along the way. Somehow all the ice-cream had managed to stay frozen and didn't harm their digestive systems. This was very convenient since they were very hungry and you need food to survive. And if you don't survive you die. Dying's not cool. So, they eventually came up to an cozy looking B&B. Nick suggested that it would be the perfect place to have a rest before they carried on the next day.

"Or we could stay here forever and be safe!" said Dave.

"Mate," said Nick, "that would make for a really shit story."

As they entered the building, they first of all noticed that the reception room smelt humid, like stagnant water in the air. It took them aback, but they managed to push their thoughts away from it and concentrate on protecting themselves from any risk of attack.

"Ooooo!" exclaimed Dave, "I love these!"

"Dave! Noooo!" shouted Nick and Sarah, but it was too late, Dave had dinged the bell on the reception desk. From all the doors emerged zombies, attracted to the sound. Dave had really fucked this one up, hadn't he?

Thus, it was time again for our team to don their weapons. Nick's chainsaw revved, Sarah's katana didn't really make a noise and neither did Mike's rolling pin or Dave's spoon. In fact the most present noise in the room was the moaning of zombies, and the smell of stagnant water was replaced with the smell of rotting human flesh. They were completely surrounded, being forced into the middle of the room, but no matter how hard they fought, the zombies came in closer, closer and closer until there was almost no space left for them, and no means of escape... Suddenly a deafening firing sounded over the moans of the zombies, it was the sound of a machine gun, and its victims dropped down left right and centre. The person firing it seemed to have a lot of talent because not one bullet touched our group. When the firing ceased, they looked around. Every single zombie was dead, except on, and Nick did an awesome flip and decapitated it with his chainsaw.

"Who are you?" said Sarah, stunned.

"Bennett. Natalie Bennett. I'm here with my group and I'm looking for a place to stay, could we all share this place?"


End file.
